Life without Jerry

July 30, 2009

Jerry has been gone for one year and six months today.

Life without Jerry has definitely been very different. He was an incredible man and there are not that many incredible men out there. Moving on has been hard, and I must admit this has been the biggest battle of my life.
Every day of the first 5 months after Jerry's tragic accident I cried. Those of you who have seen a cistern will know what I mean when I say that God collected every one of my tears in a cistern. How do I know this? Because I know how many tears I cried and they would fill a cistern.
I really have no idea how I made it, it has totally been by the grace of God. Yet I know that I am scarred and I will never be the same again. I'm not even sure I would want to be. I like the new me! I look at things with a different eye, I feel about things a different way, I'm no longer so black or white, (maybe I should say, i'm more willing to look at both sides). I am more willing to look at things through the other person's perspective.
I still have days that I cry, I still have nights that I long for him to be in the bed beside me. Just last night I was sitting in my living room, kinda spaced out, and for a moment I felt like it had all be a bad dream, then reality slowly drifted in. I did not cry. Can you believe it? I'm told this is normal, so ya'll don't go thinking I'm unhealthy.
I have learned so much about myself, I feel like i am a softer person, yet harder in some ways. I know how to fix a leak, I know how to get my own prescriptions filled, I know how to make my own coffee (Thank God for Senseo), I know I can only count on myself. I know that there are people out there and even people in my own church who are really angels. Who have a true servants heart and minister to me in whatever way they can. Those people are few and far between, but they are there. I know how to seek God on a different level. I know what it feels like to have true friends, true rage, and true sadness. I know what it feels like to allow true forgiveness into my heart. I know what it feels like to be so angry with God I could spit. I just kept plugging along. I think I am pretty much past the anger now, the sadness is gone, there are nearly no more tears, to say I am done grieving would be a lie. There will come a day when it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I will allow myself to feel, what I feel, when I feel it.
I guess the guy at the Target Pharmacy said it best today (they knew Jerry very well), "Jodie", he said, "You look like you are doing so well. I said do you really think so? I think I am, but I don't know. He said, "oh yes, a year ago, even 6 months ago, it was bad." He continued to tell me that every time I came in, I cried, and when I left they would all cry. That made me sad and happy all at the same time. Happy that they cried over the loss of a wonderful man, sad that I made them feel that pain over and over.
Things happen in this world that we do not understand, we will never understand, and when we are standing before God, we won't care anymore. I know that the pain of losing someone you love can be devastating, any time I see a car wreck with a fatality, or see one on the news my heart stops, knowing that someone, just lost a wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, on and on. I know the journey they will walk, the pain they will feel. I also know how much stronger they will be when they get to the other side of their journey.

How do you feel?

How do YOU feel?

How do I feel!....

As I have journeyed through the last 15 months, working through my grief, coming to terms with the fact that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is gone, and knowing that NOW I get to write a new book, I can honestly say that some days were so hard I contemplated not living.

I know, I know! I can hear you gasp, how can I say such a thing. I did think about just dying many, many, times and the ways I could make the deed happen. Job thought the same thing, and honestly, you know you have been there however, until you walk through the death of a spouse, you know not of what you speak.

Hold your tongue and your censure please.

I am finally, really ok with Jerry being gone. Well, that is probably not a true statement. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be over Jerry, and I don't think I should have to be. I find I do not dread moving forward the way I did in the beginning. I can now see how God moved in my life, and prepared me for his loss. Now instead of being blinded by pain crying over my loss, I can look at it and find happy thoughts, like getting cards for Father's day. They now have a card that reads "Pops".

Isn't that sweet? Course I never bought father's day cards for my kids to give to grand parents, that is what Grand parents day is for. Right? Right!

Jerry and I had a beautiful relationship, only because we were both willing to allow God to have his way with us. In Ephesians, 5:22 commands wives to submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. Those of you who know me are now rolling your eyes, saying "we know Jodie" Treat our husbands as if he is the Lord. But I will tell you a secret, if we all looked at our husband like this we would be so much happier. I really loved being able to serve my husband as if he was the Lord. I would have stayed with that man for the rest of my life, that is how deep my love for him was. Those of you who know me also know that I was not "in" love with Jerry when we married, yet I fell deeply, irrevocably, in love with Jerry. He was the man that I prayed for. The man that God set aside for me.

I am so excited in this next phase of my life, to find the "man" that God has set aside for me. Can you imagine having Two great loves in your life? Besides God of course... I am so lucky, so blessed, I know that every step I took through each day of my grief that my Father, my Daddy, my Friend, was with me. Not only that, he felt the pain that I felt. His heart broke with mine, his soul tore when mine did.

What a concept, God hurts when we hurt.

I'm so happy where I am right now! I finally feel like I have my joy back.

Moving

Sigh!
What a day, what a week, what a month...
My daughter and her husband along with my adorable grand daughter moved in while I was gone to Hawaii. They have been here for a month. Moving in with anyone is difficult however, let your daughter move back in with you and you will have some fights. Did I say fights? oops! Oh yes we had a few power struggles. Now we have settled into a routine and they are moving out this weekend. Just when I got used to them, they are leaving me. I am not sad, I am happy. Really!
I will miss my little Storie girl following me around, and wanting my IPhone, I will miss her knocking on my door saying, "nunny, nunny". I will miss her sunny little face and her talkativeness, her brightness, hugs, and excitement when my door would open. She is such a bright ray of sunshine to me.
Thank you God for this beautiful girl.

A childs anger

While I have spent so many nights crying and grieving over the loss of my husband, (see picture above), apparently my daughter has not. Her anger comes in spurts and is not in proportion to the offense. I can totally understand why she is angry, I have dealt with anger too.

I cannot explain how I managed to get to the other side so quickly, except to say that I really leaned on God. I allowed my heart to stay soft towards the Lord, and believed that no matter what, God had my best interests at heart. Grief is a multi-faceted thing and cannot be measured by time. It is something that is not tangible, we cannot just say ok, I'm done. Grief is a process and has to be worked through. I found a website called griefshare.com, I used this site endlessly, I also went to a website called youngwidows.com, I recieved alot of support from that site.

We have to identify many things:

Why do we hurt so much? you might think DUH! But hey, this is a valid question. When does the pain feel the deepest? How does your pain feel? Do you have someone who you can express your pain to? It has to be someone you can trust. For me I had several people that I went to, I did not want to hear scriptures, or platitudes, I just wanted them to listen to me, and tell me it sucked. Cause it did! We have to allow ourselves to grieve. It is ok to grieve.

Focus on what brings you comfort! I found alot of comfort in reading the word of God. I spent a lot of time worshiping. My grandkids were a HUGE comfort. I posted their pictures above as well.

Next we have to look at how grief is affecting you physically and emotionally. For me I simply did not eat. I went from a size 18 to a size 10 in 11 weeks. Not healthy! I did not sleep. I could not function. My relationship with my daughter suffered. She lost her daddy, I lost my lover, best friend, and confidant. Nowhere near the same on the loss chart, but still, we both lost something we will never have again.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I literally hung on God for everything, I cried out to him constantly, and he gave me peace and understanding. I constantly repeated the scripture I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Phil 4:13. This was my mantra!

Even now 15 months later that pain can be as fresh as if it just happened. Yes I can talk about the accident without crying, yes I can use what I have been through to minister to others. This is my focus. And Hey, God made sure I had all this time off of work to make sure that I took the time to grieve. Otherwise, knowing me I would have stuffed it, and that is not healthy.

So I write this blog for my lovely daughter, Jennifer.

Your daddy was a great man, no one will ever take his place, no one ever could. Your daddy wants you to be happy and continue living. He wants you to raise Storie and any other children you have to know all about their Pop's. You take the legacy he left for you and pass it to your children, and your children's children. You are a strong, beautiful, Durham woman. Make your daddy proud. If there is anything in this post you can use, then take it and use it, lean on me anytime you need to. I will always be here for you my lovely girl.

Love momma

Tatoo's

I want to get another tatoo!

Am I crazy? or Addicted?

I love tatoo's, I just want small one's, nothing huge, I want one on my foot, like maybe a toe ring?

Or a fairy on top of my foot, or double hearts, with my childrens names written in the hearts, small hearts.

Talking

How do you talk to someone about where you are going and how you want to get there, when they totally disregard what you say? You don't, you just keep quite and keep your beautiful feelings to your self.

Why do some people totally close themselves off from something that can be so wonderful and fulfulling? Fear, fear keeps so many people from enjoying so much. I don't want fear to keep me from the full experience of my life, life is to short to not go all the way.

Why does it bother me that they do not want to experience life at the level that I want to experience life? Because it makes my heart hurt that they will not take the risk. Yes I said it, life and love is a risk.

When is it ok to speak into someone's life if they do not give you permission? Never, but sometimes you have to do just that, the forceful, quite way.

Why is Satan so subtle? So he can get inside of us and sabotage our purpose in life.

Job

Well, I got the official word that the people I interviewed with chose someone else. Surprisingly I am not upset. Really the drive would have been bad, I live in Way South GP, and would have been driving all the way to Carrolton. That would have been about 45 miles, each way, traffic time would have take me an hour to get to work, and probably double that to get home.
I would have taken the job if they offered it to me, and then it would have been pure hell.
So I will count my blessings that God knows exactly what I need and he has the perfect job for me, that is not sales or customer service (please God) and it will come in HIS perfect timing.

Grandsons

As you all know I spent a few weeks in Hawaii with my son and his family. My daughter-in-law is one of my FAVORITE people, she thinks I am smart, and she likes me.

They have two boys, Stephen who is 2 1/2 and Preston who is one year. I had such a hard time leaving them. Stephen is so much like John when he was little, and Preston is a little lover, he loves to cuddle. Stephen loves to play WWE. He will climb up on his daddy and jump down on him, he is so busy and has so much energy. Stephen really plays well with Preston and he loves his brother so much.

It took a while for Stephen to warm up to me after he did we were fast friends. Preston was instantly my friend. I wish I could go back for weekly visits. I miss my boys.

Meshing lives

I love my children so much!

I really loved when they moved away, even though I thought it was the end of the world at that moment.

Now my daughter and her family are back. Oh yes, they are living with me, and my student Gui. So we are having to mesh lives and personalities. Who left this out? Who left on the light? Why is the TV on when noone is in the room?

But the BEST thing is I have Storie here all the time! Which is good and bad. She loves her "nunny", there is no denying that. I totally love her, she is so cute and sweet, and lovable, except when she refuses to kiss me. Then she will have a mood and want to kiss, kiss, kiss, until I want to yell STOP.

She wants to play with me ALL the time, she follows me around constantly, I say this with a smile on my face because I know it will not last long. I am going to enjoy it as long as I possibly can. I mean look at her! She is not even a baby anymore, she looks like a little girl.

Where did the time go? It has gone so fast, before I blink she will be 20....

So I have spent the last two weeks in Hawaii with my son and his lovely wife. They have two boys, Stephen (rough and tough 2 1/2) and Preston (sweet and gentle 1). John's wife, Alisa is a lovely woman, she is beautiful, strong, opinionated (like me), just absolutely perfect for my son. She and I get along great for the most part, she is respectful even when I butt into her life and give my opinion. She honors me, and tells me thank you.
I realized something tonight, my mother-in-law felt justified in giving her opinion, and did so quite frequently out of hate and malice. Which I hated, yet I honored her. I know my motivation is out of love, yet is it justified? Is it necessary? Am I trying to be her Holy Spirit?

You know this young woman has spent 15 months by herself, she gave birth to her baby Preston, by herself (her mom and I were there) but not her husband. She faced sexual harrassment by herself. She does not need or want me to point out the things that I see wrong. How inconsiderate can I be?

I pray Lord God that you will take that desire to correct others away from me. I pray you will keep my mouth shut. I pray you will give me only praise for this woman who has chosen my son and gives me beautiful grandson's. I pray that what you show me, will be an inside track used to pray for her instead of tearing her down, and not point those things out. But to build her up and encourage her skills as a mother and wife. In Jesus name! Amen!

Silence

Hello my dear readers, yes I know, I have been silent for a while now. I think my creativity was stifled for a bit. Why you ask? I truly do not know. Maybe to make myself into something that I am not. Maybe to hide. Maybe because I am scared that if people see the "real" me they will be turned off. Know what? I am tired of hiding. No more!
I am me, if you do not like me then move on. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am a strong woman. I am full of peace. I am thankful that God has walked beside me each and every step of the way. I have hid from the fact that a dear friend is moving away and I will (my dramatic side is kicking in) NEVER see her again.
I have wondered many times why I have walked the path I am on over the last year. I mean, really, who "dreams" that their children will move away to Hawaii have babies and you never get to see them. Who "dreams" that their daughter will get pregnant and have a baby 15 weeks early. Who "dreams" that their husband will be killed in a tragic accident. Who "dreams" that they will get a great job and 4 months later be without that job?. Not me! Do you realize that I have only worked for 5 months out of the last year? Yet I know I was there for a reason. What was the reason God?
Could you clue me in? I would like some direction please. I really think I have spent the last 4 months mad at God. Gheesh! is that ok to be totally honest on here? A Blog that anyone can see? Ya, I think so, if they don't like what they are reading click in the X in the top right corner :~).

Pain

What is pain? How can pain affect you, your life, your body.
Pain of regret, pain of discipline, pain of loss, pain of rejection, pain of fear, physical pain from injury, emotional pain from not obtaining a goal.
Physical Pain can make a normal person grouchy.
Emotional pain is the most devastating. Emotional pain is something that is unseen by others, something that we can hold onto and pull out whenever we want, or hide from it whenever we want, I hide from my pain by reading. In a book I can lose myself, I can go to another universe, and stay for as long as there are pages to turn. There are times that the pain we are hiding is pulled out of us by a song, a smell, seeing the back of someone you once knew. Sometimes we do not even know we are harboring pain until it hits us in an unexpected way.

Job-less

To be honest I have thourghly enjoyed being off work, I have worked maybe 5 months out of the last year. Yes it was good timing as God enabled me to use the time to be able to grieve whole-heartedly for my loss of Jerry. Like I would not grieve anyway. Those of you who know me know that when I do something it is not half-assed. Anyway, now I am feeling the crunch. I have never not had a job when I "wanted" one. I am trying to be cool about it and not freak out as I watch my bank account dwindle. Who knows maybe God wants to take me somewhere else. I have been just kinda stumbling around for a while.

Finding yourself after being "one" with someone for so long is challanging. I finally know what "I" like, what I like to watch, what I like to do, what I like to wear. It is nice to not have to answer to anyone. If I stay up late, I don't have to worry about someone coming out of the bedroom to look at me in a mean way and say, "when are you coming to bed". LOL, some of you KNOW what I am talking about. If I put something in the freezer, "ice cream" it is still going to be there. No one can tell me I can't go to a movie at 10:00 pm at night. Yes, I quite like this being by myself thing. I really came to appreciate that fact after I got my student, Gui.

Gui is great, not intrusive, just fits right in and does not cause any trouble. I feel bad because it has to be boring for him. Just think what this 18 year old boy did. He left his family, and all he knows, to come to America for an experience of a life time. Gui is shy anyway, and to put him with me! Haha! He is really quite charismatic and makes friends easily, plus being athletic helps him since he is on the Soccor team.

Anyway, I am fixing to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii! Yes, I am going to see my son and his lovely family. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter-in-law. This girl is just the bomb! I cannot tell you how many times she has just listened to me throw a huge fit in the first three months after Jerry's death. Then she would quietly say, "mom, you are a strong and beautiful women, you can do this". I am going to spend two weeks in Hawaii. I want to go to the beach every day. I can't wait!

Relationships

Websters lists the definition of relationship as 1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment.

In this blog I am discussing b: a romantic or passionate attachment. How does one start a romantic or passionate attachment?

By allowing the walls that we each build around our hearts to be broken down. In order to be able to feel for someone we have to allow them access to our hearts. We have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is not comfortable. We are in essence saying, go ahead, I'm open, hurt me. Before we do that we evaulate the person. Are they trustworthy? If they are trustworthy you can move forward. Are they open? They might seem open at first then close up. If they close up you have to figure out if they are willing to open back up? This is a choice the other person has to make. You also have to decide if you are willing to wait, while your heart is still open and on the line. Can you be comfortable knowing that at any time the hammer can drop and you can get hurt.
For me this is so scary, to allow myself to love again, I am accepting that I have no control of my life. At any time this person can be taken from me. And while I did have a successful marriage for almost 22 years, what if my choice this time is wrong? I hate failure. Do you understand what I am saying? I detest failing. May I say that this whole issue scares me to DEATH.


Then if I open up my heart and am honest about it, is it going to scare them away? That is highly possible, and if I open my heart a little bit, I get freaked out by the thought that this person could die at any time and I will again experience pain that is beyond measure.


I have my fears and the other person has his fears. Wow! Happy medium would be lovely, how do I get there?

Tears

Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears! First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me

Tears

Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears!
First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me. I slept GREAT, so that was lovely, I have not slept that great in a while. My phone was off so I did not hear my alarm or her phone call. She was not mad so I was lucky in that regard. I am usually up by 8:30, what is up with 1:30pm?

I feel like my life is so totally out of control!

I started crying at 2:00 pm as I am job hunting. Can I say I have NEVER had this much problem finding a job? Never! I have always had a job within weeks. It has been since October! What is going on? I hate this!

Annoyed

Do you want to know what really annoy's me?
People who you have known for YEARS see you and look right through you. That is so RUDE! Why do people do that?

Donations

I received a card in the mail from UT Southwestern Mecdical Center the other day. The purpose of the card was to remember and celebrate the life of Jerry Durham. It is a beautiful hand made card made from recycled, biodegradable fibers embedded with seeds, that when planted will grow Forget-me-not flowers.
As I opened the card I wondered who else had benefited from the gifts I gave. You see, when Jerry was killed I donated any and all tissues and organs that could be used. Since Jerry died at the scene of the accident his organs were not usable, and they were probably to damaged to use anyway, with the exception of a valve in his heart. My husband was killed at 2:15 pm and at 7:00 pm I am talking to the people who harvest, they ask you all kinds of questions, while you are still reeling from the shock, and it is all recorded, and it is very detailed, and I do mean detailed. It just goes on and on, and you think it will never stop. They took his eyes, skin, bones, I don't know what all.
They sent me a letter a few months after Jerry's death telling me that because of my choice to donate his eyes, two people have the gift of sight. A 76 year old woman and a 57 year old man can see. That to me, was so incredible.
I have always wanted my organs to be donated if anything happens to me, so for this to happen and know that two people can SEE because of Jerry's life, just blessed me.
If you have never thought of donating organs, you might want to think about it. I am comforted by the fact that people will benefit from Jerry's life.

Great day!

I had a great day today. My intention was to go to church, yet I managed to somehow turn off my alarm instead of hitting the snooze button so I woke up at 10:00am. I felt really bad because poor Gui is stuck living with me in my boring life. Not really boring to me, but boring to him, a 17 year old who is used to having a large family and many friends with no shortage of things to do.
Anyway, I have been seeing a man named John and we went to the mall this afternoon and took Gui as well. When we got there we ate a burger from sonic and Gui bought some shirts from Aeropostle, then we went to see a movie. It was a good movie about Ramsy the Ram called Wrestler. I did not like the way it ended, but it was a good movie.
I think Gui had a good time, I know I did!

Headache

Today I went to pick up my RX of Allegra and they wanted $61.00 for the generic. I said ok, maybe I do not want this then. So off I go to fight it on my own. Well, now I have this massive allergy headache... I am still giving myself allergy shots every Thursday, two to be precise. They are painful! The good thing is the last time I went in they gave me Lidocane which really cuts down on the pain I experience. Just imagine how bad I would feel if I were not taking these allergy shots.

Another thing, I hate dogs!

I really really do, all they do is piss and bark. Someone (a dog) has pissed in my living room somewhere and I cannot find it, I can smell it. I did find they have been peeing on the curtains in the dining room so I took them down to wash them and washed the wall and the floor. Sigh! I hate dogs!! I want them all gone except for butter, she is my baby. For your viewing pleasure I have attached a photo of my sweet baby. I am sure she is NOT the culprit.

Cut off at the knees

I was talking to Gui's representative this morning and we were discussing how sometimes we need someone to tell us that we need to go to bed. Also, I read Des's blog and she was talking about how she needed affirmation from her husband.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.

Big mouth!

Have you ever done or said something that you wish you could do over?

This is pretty much how I feel from one day to the next.

I really detest myself sometimes.

As I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut, yet I still seem to say things that are not appropiate for the moment. Then they are said and I cannot take them back. There are no do overs. The words are just there, like a big purple elephant in the corner of the room, no matter where you look the purple elephant is still there.

Please God, help me to keep my mouth SHUT, seal my lips, let me say only what is right and pure.

Amen!

Wednesday

Last night I went to the movies with my peeps, Abby, Courtney, and Destiny. We saw the movie "Taken", I totally loved that movie. I think I am in love with that ugly Liam Neeson, lol.
I want a man who would totally do that for me or for his child. I know it is silly, it was just a movie. A great movie!

Today I am spending my time watching Season 2 of Lost, I have been watching Lost with a friend on Wednesday's and need to get caught up. I am really just getting a refresher course with season 2, I think I saw every episode. Season 3 and 4 will really catch me up.

I got my closet cleaned out and boy does it look nice. Need to clean the carpet in my living room now. Again!!!!

Life

I love my life, really I do!
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.

One year Anniversary

Hello my friends, Well, I made it! One full year. I feel so accomplished!
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!

On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.

On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.

No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.

One day

Tomorrow will be one year. The day my new life began. After spending almost 22 years with the same man, who I loved with my whole heart, he was taken from me in a tragic accident. He went to the Dr. because he was not feeling good, after he left the Dr. Office he called me. It was 2:08 pm on Wednesday, Janurary 30th, 2008. We were talking on the phone and he was telling me that the Dr. thought he had Bronchitis and gave him a shot so that he would feel better faster.

At 2:15 Jerry hit a huge utility pole and was killed. I heard the whole thing. I was on the phone the whole time, I was with him as he breathed his last breath. He had passed out and slumped over the steering wheel putting all his weight on the gas pedal, which caused his speed to increase to well over 60 mph. He was dead before they even got him out of the truck. When they took his body away the bluetooth disconnected because it had been knocked off his body. I called my BFF Jeri Benjamin and told her what happened and she told me to call 911 and ask about a one vehicle accident.

When I called 911 they informed me there was a one vehicle accident with that make and model of vehicle and I asked where they transported. After finding out, I called Jeri and took off. She tried to get me to wait but of course I could not. I drove slower and slower the closer to the hosptial I got. When I finally got there, it seemed surreal. I got inside and spoke to the guy behind the desk at the ER. He got up and left and did not come back, that freaked me out. Jeri and Gary Benjamin finally got there and I felt like I had an anchor. I had already called Jennifer and she was on her way. They came out and got me but would not let Jeri go in with me.

Retelling this story is making my heart beat out of my chest.

Since they did not let Jeri go back with me I thought oh thank God, he is alive just hurt really bad. They led me thru the ER area, past all the curtains that were closed, past all the other workers, who just stood and stared at me, all the way to the end curtain. As they opened the curtain I saw a corner of the bed, I expected Jerry to be in it, but it was empty. Then I saw a chair that they tried to put me in. I did not exactly cooperate. I grabbed the Dr.'s arms and just dug my fingernails in, I wanted to hurt him. In that moment before he told me what I did not want to hear, I wanted to give him as much pain as I knew I was going to experience.

You hear people say things all the time that they never expected it, they had no idea they would have to go through something like that. It is so true! Until you go through something like that, you have no clue. I was not untouched by grief, I have had my share, I promise.

Yet I was looking in the face of this white-haired man, who was going to say something to me that would forever change my world. I felt the rug get pulled out from under me. I felt my body tilt, I felt the whoosh of air, I felt the sudden shock of disbelief and I said, "I'm not gonna like what you are going to tell me, am I", He said, "no ma'am, he did not make it".......

New Life

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that my life was about to change. I knew my daughter was getting married and would be gone in a few weeks. I knew that Jerry and I would be totally alone for the first time in our lives. I know that we were so looking forward to that time. We were so excited, we had made all these plans.

I had no clue that the man I adored would soon be gone from my life. As I sat on the couch nursing my bronchitis, getting ready for my daughter's wedding which was only two weeks away, I was addressing invitations. Jerry was smoking briskit for Jennifer's reception.

That Tuesday Jerry started getting sick, coughing, fever, feeling bad, I guess I need to mention that he was only post-op since November when they had to go back in from the surgery in October to open the wounds and clean them out since they were forming pockets and producing copious amounts of fluid. He was still in a huge amount of pain and was out there smoking briskit for his baby girl.

Jerry was definitly a man all about his kids. He was such an incredible father. I never worried as a mother because I knew he would do whatever it took to make sure that our children were provided for. He made sure that all their needs and even their desires were taken care of. Even though he had given up his two girls he never stopped talking about them, he never stopped worrying about them, and he never gave up hope that one day he would be able to have that relationship restored. A few weeks before he was tragically killed he was reconcilied with his oldest daughter, which went very well. Jerry was finally at peace, and very pleased.

He was always helping others and making everything ok for everyone else. I never wanted for a thing and had to be very careful as he did not like to tell me no and I did not want to take advantage of him.

I had such a wonderful love affair with that man. God trusted me enough to allow me to be a gift to him and to allow him to be My gift.

Thank you God!!