A childs anger

While I have spent so many nights crying and grieving over the loss of my husband, (see picture above), apparently my daughter has not. Her anger comes in spurts and is not in proportion to the offense. I can totally understand why she is angry, I have dealt with anger too.

I cannot explain how I managed to get to the other side so quickly, except to say that I really leaned on God. I allowed my heart to stay soft towards the Lord, and believed that no matter what, God had my best interests at heart. Grief is a multi-faceted thing and cannot be measured by time. It is something that is not tangible, we cannot just say ok, I'm done. Grief is a process and has to be worked through. I found a website called griefshare.com, I used this site endlessly, I also went to a website called youngwidows.com, I recieved alot of support from that site.

We have to identify many things:

Why do we hurt so much? you might think DUH! But hey, this is a valid question. When does the pain feel the deepest? How does your pain feel? Do you have someone who you can express your pain to? It has to be someone you can trust. For me I had several people that I went to, I did not want to hear scriptures, or platitudes, I just wanted them to listen to me, and tell me it sucked. Cause it did! We have to allow ourselves to grieve. It is ok to grieve.

Focus on what brings you comfort! I found alot of comfort in reading the word of God. I spent a lot of time worshiping. My grandkids were a HUGE comfort. I posted their pictures above as well.

Next we have to look at how grief is affecting you physically and emotionally. For me I simply did not eat. I went from a size 18 to a size 10 in 11 weeks. Not healthy! I did not sleep. I could not function. My relationship with my daughter suffered. She lost her daddy, I lost my lover, best friend, and confidant. Nowhere near the same on the loss chart, but still, we both lost something we will never have again.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I literally hung on God for everything, I cried out to him constantly, and he gave me peace and understanding. I constantly repeated the scripture I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Phil 4:13. This was my mantra!

Even now 15 months later that pain can be as fresh as if it just happened. Yes I can talk about the accident without crying, yes I can use what I have been through to minister to others. This is my focus. And Hey, God made sure I had all this time off of work to make sure that I took the time to grieve. Otherwise, knowing me I would have stuffed it, and that is not healthy.

So I write this blog for my lovely daughter, Jennifer.

Your daddy was a great man, no one will ever take his place, no one ever could. Your daddy wants you to be happy and continue living. He wants you to raise Storie and any other children you have to know all about their Pop's. You take the legacy he left for you and pass it to your children, and your children's children. You are a strong, beautiful, Durham woman. Make your daddy proud. If there is anything in this post you can use, then take it and use it, lean on me anytime you need to. I will always be here for you my lovely girl.

Love momma

Tatoo's

I want to get another tatoo!

Am I crazy? or Addicted?

I love tatoo's, I just want small one's, nothing huge, I want one on my foot, like maybe a toe ring?

Or a fairy on top of my foot, or double hearts, with my childrens names written in the hearts, small hearts.

Talking

How do you talk to someone about where you are going and how you want to get there, when they totally disregard what you say? You don't, you just keep quite and keep your beautiful feelings to your self.

Why do some people totally close themselves off from something that can be so wonderful and fulfulling? Fear, fear keeps so many people from enjoying so much. I don't want fear to keep me from the full experience of my life, life is to short to not go all the way.

Why does it bother me that they do not want to experience life at the level that I want to experience life? Because it makes my heart hurt that they will not take the risk. Yes I said it, life and love is a risk.

When is it ok to speak into someone's life if they do not give you permission? Never, but sometimes you have to do just that, the forceful, quite way.

Why is Satan so subtle? So he can get inside of us and sabotage our purpose in life.

Job

Well, I got the official word that the people I interviewed with chose someone else. Surprisingly I am not upset. Really the drive would have been bad, I live in Way South GP, and would have been driving all the way to Carrolton. That would have been about 45 miles, each way, traffic time would have take me an hour to get to work, and probably double that to get home.
I would have taken the job if they offered it to me, and then it would have been pure hell.
So I will count my blessings that God knows exactly what I need and he has the perfect job for me, that is not sales or customer service (please God) and it will come in HIS perfect timing.

Grandsons

As you all know I spent a few weeks in Hawaii with my son and his family. My daughter-in-law is one of my FAVORITE people, she thinks I am smart, and she likes me.

They have two boys, Stephen who is 2 1/2 and Preston who is one year. I had such a hard time leaving them. Stephen is so much like John when he was little, and Preston is a little lover, he loves to cuddle. Stephen loves to play WWE. He will climb up on his daddy and jump down on him, he is so busy and has so much energy. Stephen really plays well with Preston and he loves his brother so much.

It took a while for Stephen to warm up to me after he did we were fast friends. Preston was instantly my friend. I wish I could go back for weekly visits. I miss my boys.

Meshing lives

I love my children so much!

I really loved when they moved away, even though I thought it was the end of the world at that moment.

Now my daughter and her family are back. Oh yes, they are living with me, and my student Gui. So we are having to mesh lives and personalities. Who left this out? Who left on the light? Why is the TV on when noone is in the room?

But the BEST thing is I have Storie here all the time! Which is good and bad. She loves her "nunny", there is no denying that. I totally love her, she is so cute and sweet, and lovable, except when she refuses to kiss me. Then she will have a mood and want to kiss, kiss, kiss, until I want to yell STOP.

She wants to play with me ALL the time, she follows me around constantly, I say this with a smile on my face because I know it will not last long. I am going to enjoy it as long as I possibly can. I mean look at her! She is not even a baby anymore, she looks like a little girl.

Where did the time go? It has gone so fast, before I blink she will be 20....