Life without Jerry

July 30, 2009

Jerry has been gone for one year and six months today.

Life without Jerry has definitely been very different. He was an incredible man and there are not that many incredible men out there. Moving on has been hard, and I must admit this has been the biggest battle of my life.
Every day of the first 5 months after Jerry's tragic accident I cried. Those of you who have seen a cistern will know what I mean when I say that God collected every one of my tears in a cistern. How do I know this? Because I know how many tears I cried and they would fill a cistern.
I really have no idea how I made it, it has totally been by the grace of God. Yet I know that I am scarred and I will never be the same again. I'm not even sure I would want to be. I like the new me! I look at things with a different eye, I feel about things a different way, I'm no longer so black or white, (maybe I should say, i'm more willing to look at both sides). I am more willing to look at things through the other person's perspective.
I still have days that I cry, I still have nights that I long for him to be in the bed beside me. Just last night I was sitting in my living room, kinda spaced out, and for a moment I felt like it had all be a bad dream, then reality slowly drifted in. I did not cry. Can you believe it? I'm told this is normal, so ya'll don't go thinking I'm unhealthy.
I have learned so much about myself, I feel like i am a softer person, yet harder in some ways. I know how to fix a leak, I know how to get my own prescriptions filled, I know how to make my own coffee (Thank God for Senseo), I know I can only count on myself. I know that there are people out there and even people in my own church who are really angels. Who have a true servants heart and minister to me in whatever way they can. Those people are few and far between, but they are there. I know how to seek God on a different level. I know what it feels like to have true friends, true rage, and true sadness. I know what it feels like to allow true forgiveness into my heart. I know what it feels like to be so angry with God I could spit. I just kept plugging along. I think I am pretty much past the anger now, the sadness is gone, there are nearly no more tears, to say I am done grieving would be a lie. There will come a day when it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I will allow myself to feel, what I feel, when I feel it.
I guess the guy at the Target Pharmacy said it best today (they knew Jerry very well), "Jodie", he said, "You look like you are doing so well. I said do you really think so? I think I am, but I don't know. He said, "oh yes, a year ago, even 6 months ago, it was bad." He continued to tell me that every time I came in, I cried, and when I left they would all cry. That made me sad and happy all at the same time. Happy that they cried over the loss of a wonderful man, sad that I made them feel that pain over and over.
Things happen in this world that we do not understand, we will never understand, and when we are standing before God, we won't care anymore. I know that the pain of losing someone you love can be devastating, any time I see a car wreck with a fatality, or see one on the news my heart stops, knowing that someone, just lost a wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, on and on. I know the journey they will walk, the pain they will feel. I also know how much stronger they will be when they get to the other side of their journey.

Silence

Hello my dear readers, yes I know, I have been silent for a while now. I think my creativity was stifled for a bit. Why you ask? I truly do not know. Maybe to make myself into something that I am not. Maybe to hide. Maybe because I am scared that if people see the "real" me they will be turned off. Know what? I am tired of hiding. No more!
I am me, if you do not like me then move on. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am a strong woman. I am full of peace. I am thankful that God has walked beside me each and every step of the way. I have hid from the fact that a dear friend is moving away and I will (my dramatic side is kicking in) NEVER see her again.
I have wondered many times why I have walked the path I am on over the last year. I mean, really, who "dreams" that their children will move away to Hawaii have babies and you never get to see them. Who "dreams" that their daughter will get pregnant and have a baby 15 weeks early. Who "dreams" that their husband will be killed in a tragic accident. Who "dreams" that they will get a great job and 4 months later be without that job?. Not me! Do you realize that I have only worked for 5 months out of the last year? Yet I know I was there for a reason. What was the reason God?
Could you clue me in? I would like some direction please. I really think I have spent the last 4 months mad at God. Gheesh! is that ok to be totally honest on here? A Blog that anyone can see? Ya, I think so, if they don't like what they are reading click in the X in the top right corner :~).

Job-less

To be honest I have thourghly enjoyed being off work, I have worked maybe 5 months out of the last year. Yes it was good timing as God enabled me to use the time to be able to grieve whole-heartedly for my loss of Jerry. Like I would not grieve anyway. Those of you who know me know that when I do something it is not half-assed. Anyway, now I am feeling the crunch. I have never not had a job when I "wanted" one. I am trying to be cool about it and not freak out as I watch my bank account dwindle. Who knows maybe God wants to take me somewhere else. I have been just kinda stumbling around for a while.

Finding yourself after being "one" with someone for so long is challanging. I finally know what "I" like, what I like to watch, what I like to do, what I like to wear. It is nice to not have to answer to anyone. If I stay up late, I don't have to worry about someone coming out of the bedroom to look at me in a mean way and say, "when are you coming to bed". LOL, some of you KNOW what I am talking about. If I put something in the freezer, "ice cream" it is still going to be there. No one can tell me I can't go to a movie at 10:00 pm at night. Yes, I quite like this being by myself thing. I really came to appreciate that fact after I got my student, Gui.

Gui is great, not intrusive, just fits right in and does not cause any trouble. I feel bad because it has to be boring for him. Just think what this 18 year old boy did. He left his family, and all he knows, to come to America for an experience of a life time. Gui is shy anyway, and to put him with me! Haha! He is really quite charismatic and makes friends easily, plus being athletic helps him since he is on the Soccor team.

Anyway, I am fixing to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii! Yes, I am going to see my son and his lovely family. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter-in-law. This girl is just the bomb! I cannot tell you how many times she has just listened to me throw a huge fit in the first three months after Jerry's death. Then she would quietly say, "mom, you are a strong and beautiful women, you can do this". I am going to spend two weeks in Hawaii. I want to go to the beach every day. I can't wait!

Donations

I received a card in the mail from UT Southwestern Mecdical Center the other day. The purpose of the card was to remember and celebrate the life of Jerry Durham. It is a beautiful hand made card made from recycled, biodegradable fibers embedded with seeds, that when planted will grow Forget-me-not flowers.
As I opened the card I wondered who else had benefited from the gifts I gave. You see, when Jerry was killed I donated any and all tissues and organs that could be used. Since Jerry died at the scene of the accident his organs were not usable, and they were probably to damaged to use anyway, with the exception of a valve in his heart. My husband was killed at 2:15 pm and at 7:00 pm I am talking to the people who harvest, they ask you all kinds of questions, while you are still reeling from the shock, and it is all recorded, and it is very detailed, and I do mean detailed. It just goes on and on, and you think it will never stop. They took his eyes, skin, bones, I don't know what all.
They sent me a letter a few months after Jerry's death telling me that because of my choice to donate his eyes, two people have the gift of sight. A 76 year old woman and a 57 year old man can see. That to me, was so incredible.
I have always wanted my organs to be donated if anything happens to me, so for this to happen and know that two people can SEE because of Jerry's life, just blessed me.
If you have never thought of donating organs, you might want to think about it. I am comforted by the fact that people will benefit from Jerry's life.

Cut off at the knees

I was talking to Gui's representative this morning and we were discussing how sometimes we need someone to tell us that we need to go to bed. Also, I read Des's blog and she was talking about how she needed affirmation from her husband.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.

Life

I love my life, really I do!
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.

One year Anniversary

Hello my friends, Well, I made it! One full year. I feel so accomplished!
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!

On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.

On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.

No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.

One day

Tomorrow will be one year. The day my new life began. After spending almost 22 years with the same man, who I loved with my whole heart, he was taken from me in a tragic accident. He went to the Dr. because he was not feeling good, after he left the Dr. Office he called me. It was 2:08 pm on Wednesday, Janurary 30th, 2008. We were talking on the phone and he was telling me that the Dr. thought he had Bronchitis and gave him a shot so that he would feel better faster.

At 2:15 Jerry hit a huge utility pole and was killed. I heard the whole thing. I was on the phone the whole time, I was with him as he breathed his last breath. He had passed out and slumped over the steering wheel putting all his weight on the gas pedal, which caused his speed to increase to well over 60 mph. He was dead before they even got him out of the truck. When they took his body away the bluetooth disconnected because it had been knocked off his body. I called my BFF Jeri Benjamin and told her what happened and she told me to call 911 and ask about a one vehicle accident.

When I called 911 they informed me there was a one vehicle accident with that make and model of vehicle and I asked where they transported. After finding out, I called Jeri and took off. She tried to get me to wait but of course I could not. I drove slower and slower the closer to the hosptial I got. When I finally got there, it seemed surreal. I got inside and spoke to the guy behind the desk at the ER. He got up and left and did not come back, that freaked me out. Jeri and Gary Benjamin finally got there and I felt like I had an anchor. I had already called Jennifer and she was on her way. They came out and got me but would not let Jeri go in with me.

Retelling this story is making my heart beat out of my chest.

Since they did not let Jeri go back with me I thought oh thank God, he is alive just hurt really bad. They led me thru the ER area, past all the curtains that were closed, past all the other workers, who just stood and stared at me, all the way to the end curtain. As they opened the curtain I saw a corner of the bed, I expected Jerry to be in it, but it was empty. Then I saw a chair that they tried to put me in. I did not exactly cooperate. I grabbed the Dr.'s arms and just dug my fingernails in, I wanted to hurt him. In that moment before he told me what I did not want to hear, I wanted to give him as much pain as I knew I was going to experience.

You hear people say things all the time that they never expected it, they had no idea they would have to go through something like that. It is so true! Until you go through something like that, you have no clue. I was not untouched by grief, I have had my share, I promise.

Yet I was looking in the face of this white-haired man, who was going to say something to me that would forever change my world. I felt the rug get pulled out from under me. I felt my body tilt, I felt the whoosh of air, I felt the sudden shock of disbelief and I said, "I'm not gonna like what you are going to tell me, am I", He said, "no ma'am, he did not make it".......