To be honest I have thourghly enjoyed being off work, I have worked maybe 5 months out of the last year. Yes it was good timing as God enabled me to use the time to be able to grieve whole-heartedly for my loss of Jerry. Like I would not grieve anyway. Those of you who know me know that when I do something it is not half-assed. Anyway, now I am feeling the crunch. I have never not had a job when I "wanted" one. I am trying to be cool about it and not freak out as I watch my bank account dwindle. Who knows maybe God wants to take me somewhere else. I have been just kinda stumbling around for a while.
Finding yourself after being "one" with someone for so long is challanging. I finally know what "I" like, what I like to watch, what I like to do, what I like to wear. It is nice to not have to answer to anyone. If I stay up late, I don't have to worry about someone coming out of the bedroom to look at me in a mean way and say, "when are you coming to bed". LOL, some of you KNOW what I am talking about. If I put something in the freezer, "ice cream" it is still going to be there. No one can tell me I can't go to a movie at 10:00 pm at night. Yes, I quite like this being by myself thing. I really came to appreciate that fact after I got my student, Gui.
Gui is great, not intrusive, just fits right in and does not cause any trouble. I feel bad because it has to be boring for him. Just think what this 18 year old boy did. He left his family, and all he knows, to come to America for an experience of a life time. Gui is shy anyway, and to put him with me! Haha! He is really quite charismatic and makes friends easily, plus being athletic helps him since he is on the Soccor team.
Anyway, I am fixing to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii! Yes, I am going to see my son and his lovely family. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter-in-law. This girl is just the bomb! I cannot tell you how many times she has just listened to me throw a huge fit in the first three months after Jerry's death. Then she would quietly say, "mom, you are a strong and beautiful women, you can do this". I am going to spend two weeks in Hawaii. I want to go to the beach every day. I can't wait!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Relationships
Websters lists the definition of relationship as 1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment.
In this blog I am discussing b: a romantic or passionate attachment. How does one start a romantic or passionate attachment?
By allowing the walls that we each build around our hearts to be broken down. In order to be able to feel for someone we have to allow them access to our hearts. We have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is not comfortable. We are in essence saying, go ahead, I'm open, hurt me. Before we do that we evaulate the person. Are they trustworthy? If they are trustworthy you can move forward. Are they open? They might seem open at first then close up. If they close up you have to figure out if they are willing to open back up? This is a choice the other person has to make. You also have to decide if you are willing to wait, while your heart is still open and on the line. Can you be comfortable knowing that at any time the hammer can drop and you can get hurt.
For me this is so scary, to allow myself to love again, I am accepting that I have no control of my life. At any time this person can be taken from me. And while I did have a successful marriage for almost 22 years, what if my choice this time is wrong? I hate failure. Do you understand what I am saying? I detest failing. May I say that this whole issue scares me to DEATH.
Then if I open up my heart and am honest about it, is it going to scare them away? That is highly possible, and if I open my heart a little bit, I get freaked out by the thought that this person could die at any time and I will again experience pain that is beyond measure.
I have my fears and the other person has his fears. Wow! Happy medium would be lovely, how do I get there?
In this blog I am discussing b: a romantic or passionate attachment. How does one start a romantic or passionate attachment?
By allowing the walls that we each build around our hearts to be broken down. In order to be able to feel for someone we have to allow them access to our hearts. We have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is not comfortable. We are in essence saying, go ahead, I'm open, hurt me. Before we do that we evaulate the person. Are they trustworthy? If they are trustworthy you can move forward. Are they open? They might seem open at first then close up. If they close up you have to figure out if they are willing to open back up? This is a choice the other person has to make. You also have to decide if you are willing to wait, while your heart is still open and on the line. Can you be comfortable knowing that at any time the hammer can drop and you can get hurt.
For me this is so scary, to allow myself to love again, I am accepting that I have no control of my life. At any time this person can be taken from me. And while I did have a successful marriage for almost 22 years, what if my choice this time is wrong? I hate failure. Do you understand what I am saying? I detest failing. May I say that this whole issue scares me to DEATH.
Then if I open up my heart and am honest about it, is it going to scare them away? That is highly possible, and if I open my heart a little bit, I get freaked out by the thought that this person could die at any time and I will again experience pain that is beyond measure.
I have my fears and the other person has his fears. Wow! Happy medium would be lovely, how do I get there?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tears
Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears! First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me
Tears
Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears!
First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me. I slept GREAT, so that was lovely, I have not slept that great in a while. My phone was off so I did not hear my alarm or her phone call. She was not mad so I was lucky in that regard. I am usually up by 8:30, what is up with 1:30pm?
I feel like my life is so totally out of control!
I started crying at 2:00 pm as I am job hunting. Can I say I have NEVER had this much problem finding a job? Never! I have always had a job within weeks. It has been since October! What is going on? I hate this!
First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me. I slept GREAT, so that was lovely, I have not slept that great in a while. My phone was off so I did not hear my alarm or her phone call. She was not mad so I was lucky in that regard. I am usually up by 8:30, what is up with 1:30pm?
I feel like my life is so totally out of control!
I started crying at 2:00 pm as I am job hunting. Can I say I have NEVER had this much problem finding a job? Never! I have always had a job within weeks. It has been since October! What is going on? I hate this!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Annoyed
Do you want to know what really annoy's me?
People who you have known for YEARS see you and look right through you. That is so RUDE! Why do people do that?
People who you have known for YEARS see you and look right through you. That is so RUDE! Why do people do that?
Donations
I received a card in the mail from UT Southwestern Mecdical Center the other day. The purpose of the card was to remember and celebrate the life of Jerry Durham. It is a beautiful hand made card made from recycled, biodegradable fibers embedded with seeds, that when planted will grow Forget-me-not flowers.
As I opened the card I wondered who else had benefited from the gifts I gave. You see, when Jerry was killed I donated any and all tissues and organs that could be used. Since Jerry died at the scene of the accident his organs were not usable, and they were probably to damaged to use anyway, with the exception of a valve in his heart. My husband was killed at 2:15 pm and at 7:00 pm I am talking to the people who harvest, they ask you all kinds of questions, while you are still reeling from the shock, and it is all recorded, and it is very detailed, and I do mean detailed. It just goes on and on, and you think it will never stop. They took his eyes, skin, bones, I don't know what all.
They sent me a letter a few months after Jerry's death telling me that because of my choice to donate his eyes, two people have the gift of sight. A 76 year old woman and a 57 year old man can see. That to me, was so incredible.
I have always wanted my organs to be donated if anything happens to me, so for this to happen and know that two people can SEE because of Jerry's life, just blessed me.
If you have never thought of donating organs, you might want to think about it. I am comforted by the fact that people will benefit from Jerry's life.
As I opened the card I wondered who else had benefited from the gifts I gave. You see, when Jerry was killed I donated any and all tissues and organs that could be used. Since Jerry died at the scene of the accident his organs were not usable, and they were probably to damaged to use anyway, with the exception of a valve in his heart. My husband was killed at 2:15 pm and at 7:00 pm I am talking to the people who harvest, they ask you all kinds of questions, while you are still reeling from the shock, and it is all recorded, and it is very detailed, and I do mean detailed. It just goes on and on, and you think it will never stop. They took his eyes, skin, bones, I don't know what all.
They sent me a letter a few months after Jerry's death telling me that because of my choice to donate his eyes, two people have the gift of sight. A 76 year old woman and a 57 year old man can see. That to me, was so incredible.
I have always wanted my organs to be donated if anything happens to me, so for this to happen and know that two people can SEE because of Jerry's life, just blessed me.
If you have never thought of donating organs, you might want to think about it. I am comforted by the fact that people will benefit from Jerry's life.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Great day!
I had a great day today. My intention was to go to church, yet I managed to somehow turn off my alarm instead of hitting the snooze button so I woke up at 10:00am. I felt really bad because poor Gui is stuck living with me in my boring life. Not really boring to me, but boring to him, a 17 year old who is used to having a large family and many friends with no shortage of things to do.
Anyway, I have been seeing a man named John and we went to the mall this afternoon and took Gui as well. When we got there we ate a burger from sonic and Gui bought some shirts from Aeropostle, then we went to see a movie. It was a good movie about Ramsy the Ram called Wrestler. I did not like the way it ended, but it was a good movie.
I think Gui had a good time, I know I did!
Anyway, I have been seeing a man named John and we went to the mall this afternoon and took Gui as well. When we got there we ate a burger from sonic and Gui bought some shirts from Aeropostle, then we went to see a movie. It was a good movie about Ramsy the Ram called Wrestler. I did not like the way it ended, but it was a good movie.
I think Gui had a good time, I know I did!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Headache
Today I went to pick up my RX of Allegra and they wanted $61.00 for the generic. I said ok, maybe I do not want this then. So off I go to fight it on my own. Well, now I have this massive allergy headache... I am still giving myself allergy shots every Thursday, two to be precise. They are painful! The good thing is the last time I went in they gave me Lidocane which really cuts down on the pain I experience. Just imagine how bad I would feel if I were not taking these allergy shots.
Another thing, I hate dogs!
I really really do, all they do is piss and bark. Someone (a dog) has pissed in my living room somewhere and I cannot find it, I can smell it. I did find they have been peeing on the curtains in the dining room so I took them down to wash them and washed the wall and the floor. Sigh! I hate dogs!! I want them all gone except for butter, she is my baby. For your viewing pleasure I have attached a photo of my sweet baby. I am sure she is NOT the culprit.
Cut off at the knees
I was talking to Gui's representative this morning and we were discussing how sometimes we need someone to tell us that we need to go to bed. Also, I read Des's blog and she was talking about how she needed affirmation from her husband.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Big mouth!
Have you ever done or said something that you wish you could do over?
This is pretty much how I feel from one day to the next.
I really detest myself sometimes.
As I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut, yet I still seem to say things that are not appropiate for the moment. Then they are said and I cannot take them back. There are no do overs. The words are just there, like a big purple elephant in the corner of the room, no matter where you look the purple elephant is still there.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Wednesday
Last night I went to the movies with my peeps, Abby, Courtney, and Destiny. We saw the movie "Taken", I totally loved that movie. I think I am in love with that ugly Liam Neeson, lol.
I want a man who would totally do that for me or for his child. I know it is silly, it was just a movie. A great movie!
Today I am spending my time watching Season 2 of Lost, I have been watching Lost with a friend on Wednesday's and need to get caught up. I am really just getting a refresher course with season 2, I think I saw every episode. Season 3 and 4 will really catch me up.
I got my closet cleaned out and boy does it look nice. Need to clean the carpet in my living room now. Again!!!!
I want a man who would totally do that for me or for his child. I know it is silly, it was just a movie. A great movie!
Today I am spending my time watching Season 2 of Lost, I have been watching Lost with a friend on Wednesday's and need to get caught up. I am really just getting a refresher course with season 2, I think I saw every episode. Season 3 and 4 will really catch me up.
I got my closet cleaned out and boy does it look nice. Need to clean the carpet in my living room now. Again!!!!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Life
I love my life, really I do!
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.
One year Anniversary
Hello my friends, Well, I made it! One full year. I feel so accomplished!
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!
On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.
On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.
No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!
On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.
On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.
No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)