Life without Jerry

July 30, 2009

Jerry has been gone for one year and six months today.

Life without Jerry has definitely been very different. He was an incredible man and there are not that many incredible men out there. Moving on has been hard, and I must admit this has been the biggest battle of my life.
Every day of the first 5 months after Jerry's tragic accident I cried. Those of you who have seen a cistern will know what I mean when I say that God collected every one of my tears in a cistern. How do I know this? Because I know how many tears I cried and they would fill a cistern.
I really have no idea how I made it, it has totally been by the grace of God. Yet I know that I am scarred and I will never be the same again. I'm not even sure I would want to be. I like the new me! I look at things with a different eye, I feel about things a different way, I'm no longer so black or white, (maybe I should say, i'm more willing to look at both sides). I am more willing to look at things through the other person's perspective.
I still have days that I cry, I still have nights that I long for him to be in the bed beside me. Just last night I was sitting in my living room, kinda spaced out, and for a moment I felt like it had all be a bad dream, then reality slowly drifted in. I did not cry. Can you believe it? I'm told this is normal, so ya'll don't go thinking I'm unhealthy.
I have learned so much about myself, I feel like i am a softer person, yet harder in some ways. I know how to fix a leak, I know how to get my own prescriptions filled, I know how to make my own coffee (Thank God for Senseo), I know I can only count on myself. I know that there are people out there and even people in my own church who are really angels. Who have a true servants heart and minister to me in whatever way they can. Those people are few and far between, but they are there. I know how to seek God on a different level. I know what it feels like to have true friends, true rage, and true sadness. I know what it feels like to allow true forgiveness into my heart. I know what it feels like to be so angry with God I could spit. I just kept plugging along. I think I am pretty much past the anger now, the sadness is gone, there are nearly no more tears, to say I am done grieving would be a lie. There will come a day when it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I will allow myself to feel, what I feel, when I feel it.
I guess the guy at the Target Pharmacy said it best today (they knew Jerry very well), "Jodie", he said, "You look like you are doing so well. I said do you really think so? I think I am, but I don't know. He said, "oh yes, a year ago, even 6 months ago, it was bad." He continued to tell me that every time I came in, I cried, and when I left they would all cry. That made me sad and happy all at the same time. Happy that they cried over the loss of a wonderful man, sad that I made them feel that pain over and over.
Things happen in this world that we do not understand, we will never understand, and when we are standing before God, we won't care anymore. I know that the pain of losing someone you love can be devastating, any time I see a car wreck with a fatality, or see one on the news my heart stops, knowing that someone, just lost a wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, on and on. I know the journey they will walk, the pain they will feel. I also know how much stronger they will be when they get to the other side of their journey.