So I have spent the last two weeks in Hawaii with my son and his lovely wife. They have two boys, Stephen (rough and tough 2 1/2) and Preston (sweet and gentle 1). John's wife, Alisa is a lovely woman, she is beautiful, strong, opinionated (like me), just absolutely perfect for my son. She and I get along great for the most part, she is respectful even when I butt into her life and give my opinion. She honors me, and tells me thank you.
I realized something tonight, my mother-in-law felt justified in giving her opinion, and did so quite frequently out of hate and malice. Which I hated, yet I honored her. I know my motivation is out of love, yet is it justified? Is it necessary? Am I trying to be her Holy Spirit?

You know this young woman has spent 15 months by herself, she gave birth to her baby Preston, by herself (her mom and I were there) but not her husband. She faced sexual harrassment by herself. She does not need or want me to point out the things that I see wrong. How inconsiderate can I be?

I pray Lord God that you will take that desire to correct others away from me. I pray you will keep my mouth shut. I pray you will give me only praise for this woman who has chosen my son and gives me beautiful grandson's. I pray that what you show me, will be an inside track used to pray for her instead of tearing her down, and not point those things out. But to build her up and encourage her skills as a mother and wife. In Jesus name! Amen!

Silence

Hello my dear readers, yes I know, I have been silent for a while now. I think my creativity was stifled for a bit. Why you ask? I truly do not know. Maybe to make myself into something that I am not. Maybe to hide. Maybe because I am scared that if people see the "real" me they will be turned off. Know what? I am tired of hiding. No more!
I am me, if you do not like me then move on. I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am a strong woman. I am full of peace. I am thankful that God has walked beside me each and every step of the way. I have hid from the fact that a dear friend is moving away and I will (my dramatic side is kicking in) NEVER see her again.
I have wondered many times why I have walked the path I am on over the last year. I mean, really, who "dreams" that their children will move away to Hawaii have babies and you never get to see them. Who "dreams" that their daughter will get pregnant and have a baby 15 weeks early. Who "dreams" that their husband will be killed in a tragic accident. Who "dreams" that they will get a great job and 4 months later be without that job?. Not me! Do you realize that I have only worked for 5 months out of the last year? Yet I know I was there for a reason. What was the reason God?
Could you clue me in? I would like some direction please. I really think I have spent the last 4 months mad at God. Gheesh! is that ok to be totally honest on here? A Blog that anyone can see? Ya, I think so, if they don't like what they are reading click in the X in the top right corner :~).

Pain

What is pain? How can pain affect you, your life, your body.
Pain of regret, pain of discipline, pain of loss, pain of rejection, pain of fear, physical pain from injury, emotional pain from not obtaining a goal.
Physical Pain can make a normal person grouchy.
Emotional pain is the most devastating. Emotional pain is something that is unseen by others, something that we can hold onto and pull out whenever we want, or hide from it whenever we want, I hide from my pain by reading. In a book I can lose myself, I can go to another universe, and stay for as long as there are pages to turn. There are times that the pain we are hiding is pulled out of us by a song, a smell, seeing the back of someone you once knew. Sometimes we do not even know we are harboring pain until it hits us in an unexpected way.

Job-less

To be honest I have thourghly enjoyed being off work, I have worked maybe 5 months out of the last year. Yes it was good timing as God enabled me to use the time to be able to grieve whole-heartedly for my loss of Jerry. Like I would not grieve anyway. Those of you who know me know that when I do something it is not half-assed. Anyway, now I am feeling the crunch. I have never not had a job when I "wanted" one. I am trying to be cool about it and not freak out as I watch my bank account dwindle. Who knows maybe God wants to take me somewhere else. I have been just kinda stumbling around for a while.

Finding yourself after being "one" with someone for so long is challanging. I finally know what "I" like, what I like to watch, what I like to do, what I like to wear. It is nice to not have to answer to anyone. If I stay up late, I don't have to worry about someone coming out of the bedroom to look at me in a mean way and say, "when are you coming to bed". LOL, some of you KNOW what I am talking about. If I put something in the freezer, "ice cream" it is still going to be there. No one can tell me I can't go to a movie at 10:00 pm at night. Yes, I quite like this being by myself thing. I really came to appreciate that fact after I got my student, Gui.

Gui is great, not intrusive, just fits right in and does not cause any trouble. I feel bad because it has to be boring for him. Just think what this 18 year old boy did. He left his family, and all he knows, to come to America for an experience of a life time. Gui is shy anyway, and to put him with me! Haha! He is really quite charismatic and makes friends easily, plus being athletic helps him since he is on the Soccor team.

Anyway, I am fixing to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii! Yes, I am going to see my son and his lovely family. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter-in-law. This girl is just the bomb! I cannot tell you how many times she has just listened to me throw a huge fit in the first three months after Jerry's death. Then she would quietly say, "mom, you are a strong and beautiful women, you can do this". I am going to spend two weeks in Hawaii. I want to go to the beach every day. I can't wait!

Relationships

Websters lists the definition of relationship as 1: the state of being related or interrelated 2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a: kinship b: a specific instance or type of kinship 3 a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b: a romantic or passionate attachment.

In this blog I am discussing b: a romantic or passionate attachment. How does one start a romantic or passionate attachment?

By allowing the walls that we each build around our hearts to be broken down. In order to be able to feel for someone we have to allow them access to our hearts. We have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is not comfortable. We are in essence saying, go ahead, I'm open, hurt me. Before we do that we evaulate the person. Are they trustworthy? If they are trustworthy you can move forward. Are they open? They might seem open at first then close up. If they close up you have to figure out if they are willing to open back up? This is a choice the other person has to make. You also have to decide if you are willing to wait, while your heart is still open and on the line. Can you be comfortable knowing that at any time the hammer can drop and you can get hurt.
For me this is so scary, to allow myself to love again, I am accepting that I have no control of my life. At any time this person can be taken from me. And while I did have a successful marriage for almost 22 years, what if my choice this time is wrong? I hate failure. Do you understand what I am saying? I detest failing. May I say that this whole issue scares me to DEATH.


Then if I open up my heart and am honest about it, is it going to scare them away? That is highly possible, and if I open my heart a little bit, I get freaked out by the thought that this person could die at any time and I will again experience pain that is beyond measure.


I have my fears and the other person has his fears. Wow! Happy medium would be lovely, how do I get there?

Tears

Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears! First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me

Tears

Today has been an unexpected day of tears. Yes you heard me right, tears!
First I had a lunch date with a dear friend at 12:30 pm. I wake up at 1:30 pm. This is totally not like me. I slept GREAT, so that was lovely, I have not slept that great in a while. My phone was off so I did not hear my alarm or her phone call. She was not mad so I was lucky in that regard. I am usually up by 8:30, what is up with 1:30pm?

I feel like my life is so totally out of control!

I started crying at 2:00 pm as I am job hunting. Can I say I have NEVER had this much problem finding a job? Never! I have always had a job within weeks. It has been since October! What is going on? I hate this!