I had a great day today. My intention was to go to church, yet I managed to somehow turn off my alarm instead of hitting the snooze button so I woke up at 10:00am. I felt really bad because poor Gui is stuck living with me in my boring life. Not really boring to me, but boring to him, a 17 year old who is used to having a large family and many friends with no shortage of things to do.
Anyway, I have been seeing a man named John and we went to the mall this afternoon and took Gui as well. When we got there we ate a burger from sonic and Gui bought some shirts from Aeropostle, then we went to see a movie. It was a good movie about Ramsy the Ram called Wrestler. I did not like the way it ended, but it was a good movie.
I think Gui had a good time, I know I did!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Headache
Today I went to pick up my RX of Allegra and they wanted $61.00 for the generic. I said ok, maybe I do not want this then. So off I go to fight it on my own. Well, now I have this massive allergy headache... I am still giving myself allergy shots every Thursday, two to be precise. They are painful! The good thing is the last time I went in they gave me Lidocane which really cuts down on the pain I experience. Just imagine how bad I would feel if I were not taking these allergy shots.
Another thing, I hate dogs!
I really really do, all they do is piss and bark. Someone (a dog) has pissed in my living room somewhere and I cannot find it, I can smell it. I did find they have been peeing on the curtains in the dining room so I took them down to wash them and washed the wall and the floor. Sigh! I hate dogs!! I want them all gone except for butter, she is my baby. For your viewing pleasure I have attached a photo of my sweet baby. I am sure she is NOT the culprit.
Cut off at the knees
I was talking to Gui's representative this morning and we were discussing how sometimes we need someone to tell us that we need to go to bed. Also, I read Des's blog and she was talking about how she needed affirmation from her husband.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.
I started crying, I experienced such pain.
I really miss being told how beautiful I am, I miss being taken care of, I miss how he knew what to say and when to say it. I simply cannot remember if he was always that way or if I had to train him. I want to say he was always that way, but that is probably not true. I miss that man so much. I know I can never have him back, and right now the anger I feel is overwhelming.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Big mouth!
Have you ever done or said something that you wish you could do over?
This is pretty much how I feel from one day to the next.
I really detest myself sometimes.
As I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut, yet I still seem to say things that are not appropiate for the moment. Then they are said and I cannot take them back. There are no do overs. The words are just there, like a big purple elephant in the corner of the room, no matter where you look the purple elephant is still there.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Wednesday
Last night I went to the movies with my peeps, Abby, Courtney, and Destiny. We saw the movie "Taken", I totally loved that movie. I think I am in love with that ugly Liam Neeson, lol.
I want a man who would totally do that for me or for his child. I know it is silly, it was just a movie. A great movie!
Today I am spending my time watching Season 2 of Lost, I have been watching Lost with a friend on Wednesday's and need to get caught up. I am really just getting a refresher course with season 2, I think I saw every episode. Season 3 and 4 will really catch me up.
I got my closet cleaned out and boy does it look nice. Need to clean the carpet in my living room now. Again!!!!
I want a man who would totally do that for me or for his child. I know it is silly, it was just a movie. A great movie!
Today I am spending my time watching Season 2 of Lost, I have been watching Lost with a friend on Wednesday's and need to get caught up. I am really just getting a refresher course with season 2, I think I saw every episode. Season 3 and 4 will really catch me up.
I got my closet cleaned out and boy does it look nice. Need to clean the carpet in my living room now. Again!!!!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Life
I love my life, really I do!
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.
I think that change is going to be my middle name. How does that sound?
Jodie Change Durham....I like it!
I have gone from having a full life with my house full of kids and a husband, to a life totally alone and dependant on God, back to having kids again. Am I crazy? haha.
Gui my exchange student, will be here for about 6 months. Gui is very polite and very quiet. While the rules state that he is supposed to pay for EVERY thing I have a hard time letting him do this and feel like I should pay for whatever he needs or wants. Gosh, I do this with my own child, Jennifer....
When are we supposed to let go? How do we do that?
So my daughter tells me over the last few days that Heath is going to go into the Army. His training will last 7-8 months and can she and Storie live with me while he is gone? Of course my answer is yes however, my heart is kinda cracking. My son is already in the Army with two of my grandchildren in Hawaii whom I do not get to see. Now the one grandchild I have been with since conception, yes conception, will be leaving as well. This is not how I pictured my life people!
The best thing is I do have a life and I am going to live it. My children deserve to live their lives the way they see fit without my meddleing. I will encourage them to grow, move, and strive for the very best they can get out of life. The bottom line, it is THEIR life, not mine.
One year Anniversary
Hello my friends, Well, I made it! One full year. I feel so accomplished!
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!
On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.
On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.
No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.
On Thursday, my wonderful friend Kathy Carlton sent me flowers to the house, the card stated that I made it, I made a year. I cried!
On that same day I found out that Gui gets to stay with me, It was amazing. I was so upset about that. To be given a boy, to be trusted by God with this child, meant alot to me. You see when I give my heart I do not do so carelessly, and I tend to do whatever I am doing with my whole heart, those of you who know me know this is true. The whole mess with Gui was very stressful, and was because he had already graduated from high school in Brazil. Even though we had a signed document from MISD saying they would take him and that is how he got out of his country to our country. To make a long story short, I had to totally release him. I gave it up! Again, to those who know me, you know how hard that was for me, to give up completly. Depending on God totally for him to work his will. I did learn something from reading the book of Job after all. lol.
On Friday Janurary 30th, my BFF Kim Taylor took me to lunch. I met her at Macaroni Grill. She had a bouquet of flowers, and a bunch of balloons, six to be exact, one for each of Jerry's children and to represent Jerry and I. Kim and I had a great lunch, we talked about Jerry, and dicussed him, and every memory we could think of.
At 2:08 (yes I watched the clock like a hawk) We started talking about the last phone call with Jerry. I told her what we were talking about, we were laughing, a few minutes before 2:15 (the time he hit the pole) we took the balloons and went outside. We stood there and cried, then at 2:15 I thanked God for allowing me to (be with Jerry while he died) and released the balloons one at a time. As each balloon drifted into the sky I spoke something, the last two balloons I released together, as they represented the love Jerry and I shared. It was an incredible love, it was a love that we worked hard for, Jerry was the kind of man who was willing to do whatever it took, and I am grateful that I had my time with him. As those balloons drifted off together, they seperated, as Jerry and I seperated on the day he died. Our vows until death were honored. At the time of his death I was released. I have chosen over and over and over to not allow his loss to rule my life. I wanted to experience every emotion, and explore every feeling so that I could live again, and have a full life again.
No matter what you have lost, allow yourself to grieve. A loss is a loss, and when I lost Jerry my soul and my heart were torn into two. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, and reflect over your time with that person, as a blessing and a gift. I am a better person for the time I had with Jerry, and I believe that I truly allowed God to heal me from the inside out. I am ready to live again and have another grand love affair.
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