How do you feel?

How do YOU feel?

How do I feel!....

As I have journeyed through the last 15 months, working through my grief, coming to terms with the fact that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is gone, and knowing that NOW I get to write a new book, I can honestly say that some days were so hard I contemplated not living.

I know, I know! I can hear you gasp, how can I say such a thing. I did think about just dying many, many, times and the ways I could make the deed happen. Job thought the same thing, and honestly, you know you have been there however, until you walk through the death of a spouse, you know not of what you speak.

Hold your tongue and your censure please.

I am finally, really ok with Jerry being gone. Well, that is probably not a true statement. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be over Jerry, and I don't think I should have to be. I find I do not dread moving forward the way I did in the beginning. I can now see how God moved in my life, and prepared me for his loss. Now instead of being blinded by pain crying over my loss, I can look at it and find happy thoughts, like getting cards for Father's day. They now have a card that reads "Pops".

Isn't that sweet? Course I never bought father's day cards for my kids to give to grand parents, that is what Grand parents day is for. Right? Right!

Jerry and I had a beautiful relationship, only because we were both willing to allow God to have his way with us. In Ephesians, 5:22 commands wives to submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. Those of you who know me are now rolling your eyes, saying "we know Jodie" Treat our husbands as if he is the Lord. But I will tell you a secret, if we all looked at our husband like this we would be so much happier. I really loved being able to serve my husband as if he was the Lord. I would have stayed with that man for the rest of my life, that is how deep my love for him was. Those of you who know me also know that I was not "in" love with Jerry when we married, yet I fell deeply, irrevocably, in love with Jerry. He was the man that I prayed for. The man that God set aside for me.

I am so excited in this next phase of my life, to find the "man" that God has set aside for me. Can you imagine having Two great loves in your life? Besides God of course... I am so lucky, so blessed, I know that every step I took through each day of my grief that my Father, my Daddy, my Friend, was with me. Not only that, he felt the pain that I felt. His heart broke with mine, his soul tore when mine did.

What a concept, God hurts when we hurt.

I'm so happy where I am right now! I finally feel like I have my joy back.

Moving

Sigh!
What a day, what a week, what a month...
My daughter and her husband along with my adorable grand daughter moved in while I was gone to Hawaii. They have been here for a month. Moving in with anyone is difficult however, let your daughter move back in with you and you will have some fights. Did I say fights? oops! Oh yes we had a few power struggles. Now we have settled into a routine and they are moving out this weekend. Just when I got used to them, they are leaving me. I am not sad, I am happy. Really!
I will miss my little Storie girl following me around, and wanting my IPhone, I will miss her knocking on my door saying, "nunny, nunny". I will miss her sunny little face and her talkativeness, her brightness, hugs, and excitement when my door would open. She is such a bright ray of sunshine to me.
Thank you God for this beautiful girl.

A childs anger

While I have spent so many nights crying and grieving over the loss of my husband, (see picture above), apparently my daughter has not. Her anger comes in spurts and is not in proportion to the offense. I can totally understand why she is angry, I have dealt with anger too.

I cannot explain how I managed to get to the other side so quickly, except to say that I really leaned on God. I allowed my heart to stay soft towards the Lord, and believed that no matter what, God had my best interests at heart. Grief is a multi-faceted thing and cannot be measured by time. It is something that is not tangible, we cannot just say ok, I'm done. Grief is a process and has to be worked through. I found a website called griefshare.com, I used this site endlessly, I also went to a website called youngwidows.com, I recieved alot of support from that site.

We have to identify many things:

Why do we hurt so much? you might think DUH! But hey, this is a valid question. When does the pain feel the deepest? How does your pain feel? Do you have someone who you can express your pain to? It has to be someone you can trust. For me I had several people that I went to, I did not want to hear scriptures, or platitudes, I just wanted them to listen to me, and tell me it sucked. Cause it did! We have to allow ourselves to grieve. It is ok to grieve.

Focus on what brings you comfort! I found alot of comfort in reading the word of God. I spent a lot of time worshiping. My grandkids were a HUGE comfort. I posted their pictures above as well.

Next we have to look at how grief is affecting you physically and emotionally. For me I simply did not eat. I went from a size 18 to a size 10 in 11 weeks. Not healthy! I did not sleep. I could not function. My relationship with my daughter suffered. She lost her daddy, I lost my lover, best friend, and confidant. Nowhere near the same on the loss chart, but still, we both lost something we will never have again.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I literally hung on God for everything, I cried out to him constantly, and he gave me peace and understanding. I constantly repeated the scripture I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Phil 4:13. This was my mantra!

Even now 15 months later that pain can be as fresh as if it just happened. Yes I can talk about the accident without crying, yes I can use what I have been through to minister to others. This is my focus. And Hey, God made sure I had all this time off of work to make sure that I took the time to grieve. Otherwise, knowing me I would have stuffed it, and that is not healthy.

So I write this blog for my lovely daughter, Jennifer.

Your daddy was a great man, no one will ever take his place, no one ever could. Your daddy wants you to be happy and continue living. He wants you to raise Storie and any other children you have to know all about their Pop's. You take the legacy he left for you and pass it to your children, and your children's children. You are a strong, beautiful, Durham woman. Make your daddy proud. If there is anything in this post you can use, then take it and use it, lean on me anytime you need to. I will always be here for you my lovely girl.

Love momma

Tatoo's

I want to get another tatoo!

Am I crazy? or Addicted?

I love tatoo's, I just want small one's, nothing huge, I want one on my foot, like maybe a toe ring?

Or a fairy on top of my foot, or double hearts, with my childrens names written in the hearts, small hearts.

Talking

How do you talk to someone about where you are going and how you want to get there, when they totally disregard what you say? You don't, you just keep quite and keep your beautiful feelings to your self.

Why do some people totally close themselves off from something that can be so wonderful and fulfulling? Fear, fear keeps so many people from enjoying so much. I don't want fear to keep me from the full experience of my life, life is to short to not go all the way.

Why does it bother me that they do not want to experience life at the level that I want to experience life? Because it makes my heart hurt that they will not take the risk. Yes I said it, life and love is a risk.

When is it ok to speak into someone's life if they do not give you permission? Never, but sometimes you have to do just that, the forceful, quite way.

Why is Satan so subtle? So he can get inside of us and sabotage our purpose in life.

Job

Well, I got the official word that the people I interviewed with chose someone else. Surprisingly I am not upset. Really the drive would have been bad, I live in Way South GP, and would have been driving all the way to Carrolton. That would have been about 45 miles, each way, traffic time would have take me an hour to get to work, and probably double that to get home.
I would have taken the job if they offered it to me, and then it would have been pure hell.
So I will count my blessings that God knows exactly what I need and he has the perfect job for me, that is not sales or customer service (please God) and it will come in HIS perfect timing.

Grandsons

As you all know I spent a few weeks in Hawaii with my son and his family. My daughter-in-law is one of my FAVORITE people, she thinks I am smart, and she likes me.

They have two boys, Stephen who is 2 1/2 and Preston who is one year. I had such a hard time leaving them. Stephen is so much like John when he was little, and Preston is a little lover, he loves to cuddle. Stephen loves to play WWE. He will climb up on his daddy and jump down on him, he is so busy and has so much energy. Stephen really plays well with Preston and he loves his brother so much.

It took a while for Stephen to warm up to me after he did we were fast friends. Preston was instantly my friend. I wish I could go back for weekly visits. I miss my boys.